Issue 1 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk October 2003
THIEVES ARE OPERATING IN THIS AREA

The hands of time... are gone! (Click to enlarge)
The hands of time... are gone! (Click to enlarge)
Mystery surrounds the whereabouts of Keynsham's infamous clock tower following reports of strange noises in the High Street, amid fears that the oft-broken timepiece may have been taken hostage by a Bitton-based extremist organisation.

Early risers on Thursday 25th were amazed to discover a gaping hole in the town's skyline where the much-maligned tower once stood. Within days a full-scale search was underway as a local policeman, together with a concerned resident, scoured the area for clues into it's disappearance. Shocked neighbours reported hearing a series of 'ear-shattering' noises in the hours preceding the clock's disappearance.

One ear-witness, 67 year-old Mavis Blanchard, spoke to Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum the following day. "I 'eard this din aan' I fought it were me 'usband Dennis, cos 'ee got 'is Rover in the garage - 'eem doing some work on it, like. But when I saw 'im sat there watching bleedin' telly I almost 'ad one of me turns. We wuz gonna look out the windawl to see what it were, but in the end we went up to bed cuz Den 'ad ta be up for work early and all that. An' 'is gout were bad innall." Mrs Blanchard, visbly moved, added, "We wuz ever so sad to 'ear about the tower cos 'eem such a nice clock an' all, even if 'ee never works. Very modern lookin' I sez."

Lost - one clock, answers to the name of 'Dated'
The way it was
Despite extensive investigations, the monument is still missing, presumed stolen. Speculation is mounting that the radical 'Bitton Liberation Front' (BLF) extremist group may be involved, with un-named informants suggesting that ransom demands may have already been issued to Keynsham Town Council. Tensions between the neighbouring towns have been running high following the recent spate of tit-for-tat litter bin attacks.

A spokesman for the BLF denied any involvement, claiming, "No mate, the BLF disbanded last year 'cos we 'ad no money and Baz got right into 'is golf. That, and me missus lost 'er job down the pub so we packed it in. Shame really..." Police last night made an appeal to all members of the public, asking for vigilance and calm while the situation remains unresolved. The structure last hit the headlines in 1983 when all four clocks miraculously hit perfect synchronisation. Albert Mills


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