Issue 1 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk October 2003
DUCK, A LA CANE SHUM

'Number 34 and curry sauce please...'
'No. 34 and curry sauce please'
If you enjoy a steady stroll in the parks of Keynsham on a regular basis you may have noticed, aside from large amounts of cola cans and sticky used tissues, a large population of Mallard ducks which have procreated to great numbers over the last few years.

But all is not as it seems with the birdlife of Keynsham. A complaint has been received from a local park user, Ms Tracy Easy, who informed us: "Are young 'un, Arden, 'ees only four mind, 'ee was walking 'long side the boating pond, you know the one with the dinosaur in, minding his own business, happily eating his iced bun, when a squwaking mob of ducks, must 'ave been 'bout 'undred of 'um, surrounded 'ee and held him at beak point until he dropped 'is bun. Then they p*ssed off and started on another kid. That bun cost I thirty pee, and I don't go down that park to feed them bleedin' ducks, I goes to meet me customers and 'ave a laugh, see."

Mr Richard Witted (Parks Dept) commented: "In an effort to control the duck population, and put an end to these vicious attacks on youngsters, we've given permission to the Bath And Somerset Tactical Armed Rapid Dispatch Squad to deal with this problem. By deciding on such a direct course of action, we endeavour to eliminate this potentially-costly law suit in-the-making. We aim to nip this particular issue in the bun. Sorry, I mean bud."

Here's one we made earlier
Here's one we made earlier
Mr Witted also told Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum: "The massacre will not be in vain - the majority of the species of water fowl in the Memorial Park will be available in many of the town's local takeaways, so now you can have your duck and eat it!" Another Keynsham park user, Ms Sharon Slack said: "It's bang out of order! Them B.A.S.T.A.R.D.S coming in the park and shooting all them lovely ducks, just think 'bout all the noise they is gunna make! But hell, put me down for two portions on Friday night!"

The population control measures will commence on 13th November 2003, with a number of special duck delicacies set to be available in the town's Chinese restaurants on the weekend of the 15th. So get cidered up and grab a portion, cause stocks won't last for ever!! Charlton Bottom


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