WELL IT'S that time of the month where I get to grumble about anything and everything and don't have to feel bad about it. Yes my dears, it's the Monthly Moan, and this edition I'm going to cut straight to the chase. You've probably been a victim of these people. You may have even been forced to part with money when accosted by them, and you most certainly have tried to avoid their steely glances as you traverse the undulating pavements of Keynsham High Street.
They're out there
No, I'm not talking about the town's traffic wardens. I'm talking about the wretched charity representatives that lurk near the zebra crossing, the one where Mountstevens used to be. This brigade of brightly-coloured-wasitcoast-clad vagabonds have been making the simple art of shopping a living nightmare these past few years. Not a week goes by without some organisation or another posting these clipboard-wielding scroungers onto our streets in search of fresh bank accounts to feed from.
Now don't get me wrong - I'm all for charity - I do a lot of work in that area myself, but there must be a less-public way of carrying out this extortion racket. If you are unlucky enough to be snared by one, you're likely to be subjected to a ten minute monologue along the lines of "Well the reason we're collecting is to save the housefly..." before being asked to reveal your confidential banking details in full view and earshot of the local crack addicts, cider punks and n'er-do-wells, who will be smoking/drinking/injecting away your hard-earned salary before you can say "Banana's Disco". Sure thing Mr Housefly-Saver, I'll just give you my credit card and bid you good day. Hope you save enough insects. Don't spend it all at once. Give some to the bums.
So I'm demanding that somebody does something about this ever-growing menace before the situation gets out of hand. If this blatant daylight robbery doesn't stop soon you may well start seeing smiley folks adorned with the wasitcoat/clipboard combo collecting on behalf of the 'Save The Charity Collector Fund', because they'll be an endangered species around these parts if they're not too careful. Mark my words, your time in the sun is nearly up. Anna Cacia-Court
MINI MOAN 1
THANK HEAVENS for the great Church's refit of 2003. No more suffering the incoming pedestrian traffic whilst reading magazine articles for free. Farewell bottlenecks by the pick 'n' mix - now us 'free library' readers have the luxury of a whole wall of glossy mags to while away the hours before Eastenders comes on. Thank you Church's - without you we'd be a lot poorer and a lot less well read. Will Somerfield take note?
MINI MOAN 2
WHEN WILL the powers that be finally sort out the pavement issues outside Buss's? How many times do innocent villagers have to run the risk of hugging an oncoming lorry in order to avoid a convoy of pushchairs and shopping carts as they hurtle past Tripps? In an age where we can put men on the moon, why oh why can't we buy three dozen patio slabs and be done with the problem once and for all? Is that too much to ask? No.
MINI MOAN 3
WHAT A damp squib the new Friday market has turned out to be. The initial flurry of traders' stalls has dwindled into what looks like Custer's last stand, as one by one they fail to show up. And to think it isn't even winter yet. For an 'historic market town' it's a pretty poor show. The only thing 'historic' about our little porta-mall is the speed at which it shrank in size. Thank God for the fruit stall, at least they turn up every week.
AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
Continuing (well, actually, commencing) our regular cartoon featuring outpourings from none other than the former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf as he travels the lands of Keynsham.
KEYNSHAM WEB CAM
See our up-to-the-second webcam which is currently situated on the Town Hall in the centre of town.
Check out the lastest Wet Office advance weather forecast for the Keynsham region.
"I 'ave just read that Keynsham Town Plan thing what was put through the door just the other day. They reckons it's 'Your vision for our town' but if you ask me it's 'Our vision for your town'..." Just a sample quote from our postbag this month.
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MORE NEWS IN BRIEF
ARCHAEOLOGISTS WORKING at Keynsham's historic Roman Ruins™ have revealed that the 2000-year old garrison appears to be built on the site of a former Stone Age by-pass.
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KEYNSHAM IS ACE!
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