Issue 1 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk October 2003
YOUR LETTERS TO CANE SHUM - OCTOBER 2003
LETTER OF THE MONTH
'I remembers when all this wuz park land'
    As close as we get...
I am writing to your faberluss interweave site because I 'ave just read that Keynsham Town Plan thing what was put through the door just the other day. They reckons it's 'Your vision for our town' but if you ask me it's 'Our vision for your town'. They sez they wants our views and all that but they're just like all the others with too much to say. They don't listen, see.

They say they wants to 'find funding for a feasibility study' into the new museum. I says they should find funding for the bloody museum itself, not another study. We got a perfickly good library if folks wants to study. That's the trouble with the 'thorities these days. All they ever do is spend money on asking people what they would of liked to spend the money on had they not already spent it on asking people.

If I were the Mayor or whoever it is what has the power, I'd spend the money on tobacco. Tobacco and coff sweets. And what was left over I'd give to the young 'uns cos they do need it most, what with all them expensive new drugs they have to buy for going to school with and that. But I digest. It's about time they 'eard what weem saying and did something proper for the town, not printing they fancy leaflets and all that. There should be a public meeting where we gets to say pacificly what the areal needs. A meeting with a buffet as well, with them volleyvonts. That'll get the townsfolk turning up to say what they thinks. Ron "Dapper" Hill, aged 87, Hawthorns House.

TWO'S COMPANY
If there's one thing I can't stand it's them parking wardens, the ones what go around in twos. I seen 'em the other week - one of 'em is writing a ticket while the other is standing there grinning like a Cheshire cat. Who pays their wages? I bet you a fiver we do. Can't we lay half of them off and pay less tax or something? Peter Clapper, aged 41, Chandag Close.

THE BLOODY CHEEK!
I'd just like to say that I think your site is one complete rip-off mate. I know that imitation is 'sposed to be the highest form of flatulence or whatever it is they say, but I reckon you gone too far. You should stop being so thieving and get some of your own ideals. Harry Stoke, 'That Be Bristle'.

SH!T DON'T HAPPEN
Well done to they council people who is stopping dogs from sh!tt!ng in the park. If I had a pound for every time I trod in some of that muck I'd have 7 now. Almost enough for some new shoes. Doreen Smythin, aged 67, Back Lane.

PARKING MY ARSE
What on earth possesses them folk 'oo is parken their cars in front of me drive? If I told 'em once I telled 'em a hundred times but they still bleedin' do it. We should 'ave our own will clamps, that'd teach the b*ggers. Reg Drainer, Rock Road.

THE NEED FOR SPEED
I'm sick to the back teeth with Keynsham's new so-called traffic calming scheme. The High Street is simply b****cks to drive through nowadays, what with all those patios the Council put down. Why can't we have our old street back? Then we can go back to 'proper' driving speeds. Vince Harder, aged 21, Tintagel Close.

A SUPERGRASS WRITES...
I fink I might know 'oo 'ad that clock tower away t'other day. I seen a bloke near I 'oo 'ad 'im in 'is lock-up like. Reckons 'eee bin thieving tons of them local, like, buildings and stuff. 'Ard un 'ee is. I ain't gonna say nuffink to 'ee. Name and address circulated.


Hanging out Keynsham styleee
SEND US YOUR VIEWS....
Got something on your chest that you want to get off? Feel the need to let off a little steam about Keynsham? Been taken up by passing aliens? Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum would like to hear from you. Simply visit the CONTACT page and let your fingers do the talking.


WEATHER FORECAST
Check out the lastest Wet Office advance weather forecast for the Keynsham region.
VIEW WEATHER

THE MONTHLY MOAN
Who, what or where is in the firing line this month? Is it Henry, the mild-mannered janitor? Could be... MORE

AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
Continuing (well, actually, commencing) our regular cartoon featuring outpourings from none other than the former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf as he travels the lands of Keynsham. MORE

KEYNSHAM WEB CAM
See our up-to-the-second webcam which is currently situated on the Town Hall in the centre of town. VIEW IT

MORE NEWS IN BRIEF
ARCHAEOLOGISTS WORKING at Keynsham's historic Roman Ruins™ have revealed that the 2000-year old garrison appears to be built on the site of a former Stone Age by-pass. MORE BRIEF NEWS

MERCHANDISE
Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
Launching our exclusive range of Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts. Don't be seen not dead in one. BUY STUFF

THE BOTTOM LINE
This is where you'll find the last word in Cane Shum, as told by our very own Charlton Bottom. Except he went off on holiday before he wrote it. Which is a shame 'cos it was probably going to be quite good.