TAKE A PACKED LUNCH
KEYNSHAM IS set for twelve weeks of traffic congestion at the junction of St Ladoc Road and Bristol Road, while engineers excavate the highway in a search for traces of the listed building that once stood nearby. The house, on the site of the former Cannock's Garage, vanished overnight some time during 2002, with police appeals for witnesses so far yielding nothing.
PACK IT IN FOR FAWKES SAKE
MEMBERS OF Keynsham's Youth Group are planning to enter the record books by staging a marathon fireworks display in and around the town's residential areas. The attempt is due to last until November 4th 2004.
TOP 10 EXPORTS
Keynsham's not just about drinking and traffic calming schemes. Here's a list of ten famous people or things that have successfully made it out of Keynsham.
 Cadbury's Mini Eggs
 Marcus Trescothick
 Sir Lenny Lottery
 The Queen In 1977
 Bill Bailey
 Beth Gibbons
 Horace Batchelor
 Abraham Darby
 The River Avon
 Charlton Road
DON'T EVEN GO THERE
PLANS TO change the name of the region's governing body to 'West And North Keynsham' were deferred by councillors in a recent meeting held at the 'futuristic' Town Hall.
GHOST BUS TURDS
PEDESTRIANS STOOD dumbfounded in shock and horror this week as Keynsham's "Dial-a-ride" bus was reportedly seen with passengers on board.
Further investigation has revealed this to be just a rumour released by BANES to justify the service. Normal nobody-on-the-bus service continues.
DETAILS WILL be announced soon of a public meeting at the Fear Institute to discuss the future of the Town Hall, following complaints that the ancient building 'looks shit'.
LOST: ONE DRAGON!
Do you remember the red dragon figurine which should on a pole outside the council offices? Well we want to know where it's gone. Is it in a cupboard in a back room at the council offices? Or has it been sold for scrap to fund an office Christmas party? Please contact us if you have any details. We'll continue to investigate the case of our missing dragon.
PIT OF DESPAIR
TWO WORKERS received minor injuries when a pit prop collapsed in one of the Somerdale chocolate mines. Both men were taken to hospital, but later released.
ABOVE THE LIMIT
A LOCAL unemployed man intends to emulate magician David Blaine by existing without food for 44 days, whilst confined to the town's Trout Tavern. Daredevil Ian Chandos will survive solely on a diet of Dry Blackthorn cider.
SPORT IS BARRED
OUR SPORTS correspondent Rocky Rhodes has been refused parole. Coverage will hopefully return next August.
ARE YOU SH!TTING COMFORTABLY?
ONE IN ten Keynsham households now possess an inside lavatory, according to a recent survey by consumer magazine What Bog?
NO MORE CRIME THEN
The mystery surrounding the recent sightings of three green aliens in Keynsham's car parks has finally been resolved. Intense investigations have revealed that these "aliens" are in fact community wardens. So don't panic - "We are safe!"
(© Muhammed S. al-Sahaf).
Applicant: Mrs Summer, 96b Corfe Cres.
Request: Replacement of 20 year-old smoke-stained wallpaper in living room with new B&Q 'Hint of Woodchip'.
Objections: Mr Summer, 96b Corfe Cres. "I object to this proposal from 'er indoors. I'll miss two darts matches, one of which is the semi final of the "Beer Gut Challenge Cup." Mr Norman Sherwood, (darts team captain). "We got no chance in the Cup if 'ee ain't on board. Ee's one of 'r best chuckers."
ROAD 2 NOWHERE
KEYNSHAM'S FAMOUS by-pass could soon have it's own by-pass if recently-announced Ministry Of Transport proposals are given the green light. The Ministry plans to build a six-lane flyover above the oft-jammed A4 dual-carriageway.
ENGLISH LESSONS, given by qualified tutor. Resonable rates. Beginners welcome. Contact Broadlands School.
LONELY HEART, male, 24, seeks older, financially secure lady for cliff-top walks. GSOH. Will you fall for me? BOX NO 019209.
LOST IN Keynsham High Street. Farmer's market, last seen Sept 12th. Reward offered for safe return. Please send all information to Keynsham Town Council.
MISSED A bit? Been out of town? You lucky sod! You can find last month's news in brief by clicking HERE