Issue 2 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk November 2003
DODGY BALLS IN BLOW SHOCK!!

Keynsham: Lacking balls
  Keynsham: Lacking balls (Click to enlarge)
A local businessman has this week announced ambitious plans to launch Keynsham's very own lottery prize draw - KLOTTO! - with lucky townsfolk set to bathe in the glamour and excitement that comes with life-changing riches.

According to it's proprietor, Mr Jake Dodgy, the scheme will be "based loosely" on the larger Camelot National Lottery, with draws taking place "when I fancy it." The top prize for six matching numbers will total in the region of "...whatever I can get for thirty quid..." with the estimated prize fund likely to stand at "none of your bleedin' business pal." In keeping with Camelot's format, Mr. Dodgy has already commenced construction of his very on lottery machine, which will be called 'Joan' - after his late wife.

After an exhaustive search, Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum tracked down Dodgy, 66, to find out more about his quest. He told us: "I've 'ad some trouble finding enough ping pong balls locally - they don't seem to be stocking 'em any more in the shops down the High Street. I picked a few up from the charity shops, but I think I'll 'ave to get the 339 to Bath so I can grab the other 34 balls that my KLOTTO! needs."

It's a balls-up Joan
  It won't be you
Speaking from his hospital bed in Bath, Dodgy added: "The construction of 'Joan' is in full flow. The modifications to me tumble drier have been done and I connected the vacuum cleaner this morning, with it set to blow, not suck. I've 'ad a few test runs, with just the 15 balls I've got, and everyfink seems to be working fine. Well, that is, apart from that wire I touched this mornin'..."

Jake is currently receiving treatment for the effects of electrocution in ward 49 of Bath's Royal United Hospital, following the large electrical shock acquired during the test-firing of 'Joan' earlier today. He hopes his KLOTTO! will get back on schedule when he is discharged. He concluded: "Soon as the burns heals I'll be fiddling with Joan again. You can't keep a Dodgy 'un down. Nurse! I've come over all queer, like."

If you can help Jake out by donating any old Ping-Pong balls he would be very grateful, but please don't send them to the RUH as his hospital gown has no pockets. Contact Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum and we'll arrange the exchange of balls. We wish Jake good luck in his ball hunt and hope to feature the winning KLOTTO! numbers when the project gets underway later this year. Charlton Bottom


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