Issue 2 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk November 2003
THE MOLEHILLS ARE MOUNTAINS

Let's face it - we're doomed
'Get orf my laaaaand!' (Click to enlarge)
A Keynsham farmer has called for immediate government intervention following the mystery appearance of an over-sized mole on parts of his land situated on the southern outskirts of the sleepy Somerset town.

The six-foot subterranean mammal has caused hundreds of pounds worth of damage to the plot of land belonging to Mr John Deere, during a two-week spell of terror. Said Mr Deere: "First off, we noticed a few rather large molehills, bigguns like, all over me pasture. Me an' Bill flattened 'em out but they were back the next morning, bigger than ever." Determined to prevent the mole from causing further destruction, the landowner embarked upon a night-time vigil, only to be shocked by what he encountered.

"We grabbed a couple of 12-bores and parked the motor just inside the field," he continued: "We saw nuffink for ages and ages - almost dawn it were when Bill shouts to I that 'eed seen summat. I turns to look and I gotta admit it, I shit me wellies. It were as big as a car and screaming like a bleedin' banshee - louder than my wife it were, and almost as big. We let 'im 'ave a couple of barrels, but to be fair the whisky was cutting in a bit strong by that point so we didn't really get anywhere near it. Bill almost shot I in the foot. We 'ad to scarper in a 'urry. Ever so scary it were."

Blind, cute and deadly
Blind, cute and deadly
Frightened residents living on the nearby 'Federated' estate have been forced to lock their doors and windows while the mole remains at large. One homeowner told us: "It's like one of they horror films in our street. We ain't 'ad a wink of sleep for days now and I've 'ad to stay off work - which is nice - but I missed skittles on Tuesday and me missus can't get the shopping in." A spokesperson for BANES' Over-sized Species Dept yesterday confirmed our story, commenting: "Until we trap this creature we urge all citizens to stay indoors. We strongly advise anyone needing to venture outside in an emergency to carry a kilo of earth worms with which to feed the animal should it attack. We're taking this matter very seriously, primarily because this is Green Belt land, and, as such, special planning permission is required for dwellings of this size."

Speaking from his Spanish villa, Mr Deere added: "That's me done with farming 'til the government or the EU unearths an answer and sorts this mess out. I'm blind with rage. It was bad enough them stopping us getting paid for not growing anything, but this beyond a bloody joke. I'm going underground for a while until I gets me field back." Albert Mills


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