Issue 3 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk December 2003
THE FUTURE IS SET TO HAPPEN...

In Cane Shum, no-one can hear you scream
Keynsham in the year 3000 (Click to enlarge)
Scientists at the World-famous University of Keynsham have this week revealed their future vision of the town to startled residents, via an exhibition at the local library. We sent Albert Mills along to see what lies in store for us.

Even though Keynsham is already a modern, almost futuristic place, there will be many changes as our distant tomorrows become today's yesterdays, propelling the town into post-Space Age importance. Gone will be the church, following the demise of religion, replaced by a 20km-high Space Scraper filled with robo-droids capable of immense thinking. The town, or Hyper-City as it will become, is set to act as a loophole in time itself - a 'Hicks Gate' - where Planet Earth's forward attack fleets will be transported to far-out galaxies in the blink of a Robo Eye. Our streets will look like something out of 'Space 1999', only newer.

Even our homes will change. Windows will be replaced with sun-powered Plasma Bars, trees will make way for new uber-plants called 'Masts', while everyday objects such as shoes, toasters and shovels will be made out of a new, brown-coloured compound called 'Chocolatium'. This material will form the basis of all existing life following it's discovery - set to happen in Somerdale in AD 2445. Some of the town's current buildings will disappear from view, with many people living underground in specially-dug burrows. Everything will have new names. Even dogs will be electronic and will talk.

Everything will be yellow and red
A 'Hicks Gate'
The boffins have even predicted what future Keynsham-ites will be like. By the year 3000, almost all townsfolk will be able to drive (using revolutionary beer-fuelled cars called 'Jackos') and over half of us will be able to live quite happily underwater, prompting the extension of the swimming pool in the Leisure Centre to full Olympic size. Most of us will speak at least one language, others will be able to shun alcohol, while some will communicate by simply typing their thoughts into a 'computer'. The mind boggles.

The irony is, of course, that most of us won't be around to see these wonderful new horizons, but for a short while we can at least dream. Dream until the alarm clock goes off. The library exhibition runs until December 24th. Catch this unique glimpse of tomorrow's Keynsham while you can. Albert Mills


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