Issue 4 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk January 2004
CANE SHUM FOR THE COUNCIL?

If Cane Shum could talk (Click to enlarge)
Signs of the truth? (Click to enlarge)
Following last years allegations that Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum is nothing more than a council-fronted publicity scam, Albert Mills takes time to wonder what Keynsham would look like if we really did run the town.

"When That Be Bristle sent their "undercover" detective to investigate us, we nearly pappered our breeches. Aside from inducing much mirth in the news office, the events also inspired us to consider how Keynsham would be if lunatics like us were actually pulling the strings of power. So before we stand for election next May, here's a brief look at the real alternative Keynsham."

Foremost, Cane Shum Council would adopt a policy of honesty. We'd begin by updating the signs in the Memorial Park (see main picture). Let's be honest, since the by-pass dissected this glorious former abbey garden, the place has gone to rack and ruin. That bloody flood din't help much either. Pesky rain. We'd give the Riverside a lick of Sandtex too. Who the hell chose the chocolate brown bricks? It's like we have two giant Wispas sitting in Temple Street.

We'd also wield the axe on the Dial-A-Ride service and replace it with a Jackos taxi. The money saved would go towards turning the old cinema into a place where townsfolk could be entertained by music and art - the Cane Shum Hall. We'd also leave all the schools as they are, instead electing to convert the St John's car park into a new age Eco-Dome, complete with trees, teepees and mystic types. In addition to the Sex Area in the park, we'd be creating a baby boom in order to fill the schools again.

'Bagsie the room with a view in the roof'
The steps to power
To wear the boot on the other foot, how would this website be if the current bunch of town leaders were in the nerd seat. Certainly we'd have a lot less in the way of comedy, probably replaced by a crippling Humour Tax. Our pages, if run like the town's shops, would be either derelict, duplications of previous stories or even Charity Pages, where the reader would have to donate an old cardigan prior to reading. At the very least, you'd see lots of people in green uniforms prowling around your computer whilst you 'surf' the site. Expect modem clamping too...

So thank your lucky stars that the political idiots occupy the shady corridors of power, whilst the geeky Internet idiots take care of the mildly-funny satirical website business. If it looks good broken, why fix it?" Albert Mills


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THE MONTHLY MOAN
Anna Cacia-Court hits out at the park-and-commute workers clogging our residential streets with their cars. READ MORE

AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
His ex-boss has been nicked by the Yanks, and now the former Iraqi Dis-Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf seems to be working for the council. Shocker! GO TO MO!

KEYNSHAM WEB CAM 4
The Cane Shum web cam is stuck in traffic at the Hicks Gate roundabout. VIEW IT

WEATHER FORECAST
Find out what the elements have in store for Keynsham in January. VIEW WEATHER

MERCHANDISE
Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
They're selling like hot cakes in Keynsham and Bath - Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts are on sale now! FULL DETAILS

YOUR LETTERS
"After all, don't charity shops enjoy tax privileges such as no VAT, no business rates, no staff wages, no tax on profits? Why charge prices that make antique shops look cheap?" READ LETTERS