Issue 4 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk January 2004
LEEDING THE WAY TO THE TOP

18million quids worth of talent messing about on the Crown Field (Click to enlarge)
Smith and Viduka training at Keynsham Utd  
(Click to enlarge)
Keynsham Town Football Club could be set to join the country's soccer elite if radical plans to merge with Leeds United get the go-ahead, in a move that would see the cash-stricken Premiership side certain to relocate to the town.

Keynsham, currently plying their trade in division 1 of the Screwfix Direct league, seem set to join forces with Leeds following financial difficulties at the Yorkshire club. The news prompted a 23% rise in Town's share price, sending the club's value soaring to 623.45. The Stock Market reported 'chaotic' scenes on the trading floor as the news broke.

The auspicious plan would see the two clubs become one, with Leeds 'mega-millions' players turning out for Town at the Crown Field. K.T.F.C.'s Commercial Manager William Bloke told us: "They're gonna sell their stadium to pay off all the debts, which means they keep their star players. Our car park attendant knows their groundsman, like brothers they are, so he put in a good word and it seems like they'll be playing here, as part of the Keynsham team. It's a bloody coup!"

Oooooh, glamour game!
The non-league years
With internationals like Mark Viduka, Paul Robinson and Alan Smith on board, Keynsham would be contenders for promotion, a fact that was not lost on Mr Bloke: "We'd have every chance of giving Bitton a good seeing-to with that lot in the team. Also, Leeds would keep their top-flight status, so good old Keynsham would be up there with the Liverpools and the Arsenals too. Fighting on both fronts - we can't wait."

We contacted the Leeds Utd press department who informed us: "If you continue to call us we'll be forced to notify the police. We're busy talking to rich Arabs, now go away." A spokesman for the official supporters club was equally vague, telling us: "F*** off you carrot crunching t**ts." The combined club would still play in the traditional gold and black, under the name Keynsham United.

With the prospect of Champion's League football coming to town, plans have already been drawn up to house the 30,000-plus expected supporters. "We're adding a tier to the club house to bring the capacity up from 75," continued Mr Bloke: "It'll be a bit odd-looking having a 29,925-seater stand perched on the roof of the bar, but laws is laws and space is tight." Visit the Leeds United website for more news on this story. Albert Mills


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