Issue 4 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk January 2004
NO EXIT FOR REEVES

'Morpheus' not pictured
The 'i-plus point'
A Keynsham man has this week been given a six-year 'hard labour' sentence at H.M.P. Keynsham Workhouse, following an evening of drink and drug-induced destruction in the town's High Street and Memorial Park.

Kevin Reeves, 26, of no fixed abode, caused thousands of pounds worth of damage when a night out in the town's public houses ended in wanton destruction. Reeves, a former data input clerk, became convinced he was embroiled in a real-life version of Hollywood blockbuster The Matrix, after a mobile phone was wrongly-delivered to his squat. Police were called when passers-by raised the alarm.

PC Dan Bookem told us: "When we arrived at the scene, the man was attempting to destroy the 'i-plus point' installation in the High Street. He was obviously worked up about something because he kept shouting to someone named 'Morpheus' about 'needing an exit'. My colleague and I attempted to calm the situation by using big sticks, but the assaillant wouldn't come quietly. He was heavily intoxicated. He kept referring to me as Agent Smith."

'It's just like that teletext Maud, only a lot harder to use...'
Far too technical for us
Mr Reeves escaped on foot, breaking shop windows as he fled, only to be later apprehended in the Memorial Park, assisted by the Avon & Somerset Police Helicopter. One eye-witness, Trisha Sawett, expressed her shock at the violence: "He were goin' berzerk. Right nutter. When the law piled in he started doing these Kung Fu moves. Quite good 'ee were innall. W'unt 'til the copper chopper come over that they netted 'im." She continued: "Me boyfriend Daz wuz gonna chin 'im cos 'ee were a bit close to our Mondeo with 'is sword. We only had it sprayed t'other day. Expensive job it were."

Delivering his verdict, Judge Yuri Niched-Mayte Q.C. told Reeves: "You are a menace to the people of this town, and, furthermore, anyone who believes that a simple information point is a kind of doorway to a computer world deserves to be punished." When asked if he had anything to say, Mr Reeves told the court: "I am the only person who can save Zion, but I'm dead sorry for what I done, like."

Copy-cat movie crimes have plagued the region since the dawn of the 'talkies'. Only last year a man was arrested near the town whilst attempting to leap the 'missing' section of the Avon Ring Road in a stolen invalid car, echoing the movie 'Speed'. He was given a life sentence, reduced to 36 hours of community service on appeal. Albert Mills


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