Issue 4 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk January 2004
KEYNSHAM NEWS IN BRIEF - JANUARY 2004
STILL LOOKING THEN?
Someone presumably left a shovel in the 'patient' then... EXPERTS EXAMINING rubble removed from the site of the former listed building near Cannock's have found what they believe to be the remains of a door handle, prompting the re-excavation of the nearby road. Delays are set to last 15 weeks.

IT'S UNDER YOUR NOSE
A PUBLIC meeting is being held at the disused Charlton cinema to discuss the urgent need to find a location for the town's proposed new public meeting hall.

THE BALL'S DROP
THE MAN behind KLOTTO!, Mr Jake Dodgy, was this week arrested for attempting to operate a public lottery without an appropriate gaming licence. Dodgy, 67, was placed on remand and will stand trial at Cane Shum Crown Court in June.

THE TOP 10
TEN THINGS you don't see anymore in Keynsham.

[1] 'Banjo Island' graffiti
[2] That nativity box at Xmas
[3] The Dunster Rd peacock
[4] Shoppers in Leo's
[5] Half day closing
[6] 'Frank The W*nk'
[7] The 'boating house'
[8] Anyone from Libourne
[9] The Cadbury sign lit up
[10] The Friday market

STOP PRESS!!!!
Just as we were going to press we received this astonishing email. "Dear Caneshum, with reference to the fire at Keynsham Town Hall on Saturday 27th December 2003. I am claiming responsibility for this in the name of 'The Wellsway Liberation Front'. Our demands are: Recognition of everything north of the River Chew as a separate town with it's own identity - algebra, Latin, advanced trigonometry and polo as compulsory subjects at Wellsway School, plus a complete ban on any members of the Labour Party canvassing in 'our' town near an election. If these demands are not met then another public amenity is gonna get the chop. Probably that down market leisure centre, I mean - anybody who is anybody wouldn't be seen dead in a common persons gym. Tarquin Llewellyn-Bowen, Co-ordinator & Dinner Party Organisor, The Wellsway Liberation Front." Stay tuned for more as it breaks.

SIR STONED-A-LOT!
'Oi, Keef! That's Sir Michael to you...' KEYNSHAM RESIDENT Michael Jaggar had a shock last month when he switched on the family television to hear he was to be knighted. After many excited phone calls to family and friends, he realised that it was ageing rocker Mick Jagger who was to be knighted by our Queen, and not himself. Idiot!

PET SMART
One in five of Keynsham's dogs are now more intelligent than their owners, according to a report published in the monthly canine fashion magazine 'Doggy Style'.

MORE TIME FOR TIME
Now missing for 4 months THE DEADLINE for the submission of designs to replace the still-missing CLOCK TOWER has been extended to February 29th following a lack of interest. Local big-wigs hope to unveil the winner in March.

FISH OUT OF CIDER
MEDICS WERE called to the Trout Tavern in Temple Street last week when a controversial survival challenge nearly ended in tragedy. Local man Ian Chandos had been attempting to live for 40 days on a cider-only diet when the pumps ran dry. Paramedics arrived via a local branch of Threshers, administering medication at the scene. Mr Chandos has already been the target of protest attacks, having been pelted with peanuts and pickled eggs. The stunt is set to end on January 29th. MORE.

SMELLY OLD BRIEFS...
YOU CAN find old news briefs by clicking HERE.

DID YOU KNOW?
We 'ere in Keynsham have our very own OBE owner? Well nor did we 'til we stumbled across this fact on the most wonderful interweave. Mail us if you know who this proud owner is. Answer next month.

FREE SCHOOL MEALS?
A ROW has broken out between neighbouring towns over who should fund the disposal of a large MOLE carcass found near Charlton Road last week. Queen Charlton Parish has denied all responsibility, declaring that Keynsham should remove the 2-metre long rotting mammal. Magistrates yesterday adjourned the case for five weeks while reports are prepared.

CLASSIFIED ADS
WANTED: Reliable smoke detection system. Please see Maude Buyer, Town Hall.

FOR SALE: Christmas lights. Some not working, but mainly in good condition. Would suit buildings or similar. Contact Cuthbert Shrimp, Keynsham Town Council.

FOR SALE: Robo-Droid III chocolate mining system. Unwanted gift. Would suit multi-national confectionery company or first-time buyer. Contact Somerdale 86567.

IT WAS ME! I saw you from Greggs. Your car was very round and citric. I'm carrying the Alien Child. It might be yours. Please get in touch. BOX 94875.

MERCHANDISE
Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
They're selling like hot cakes in Keynsham and Bath - Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts are on sale now! FULL DETAILS

KEYNSHAM WEB CAM 4
The Cane Shum web cam is stuck in traffic at the Hicks Gate roundabout. VIEW IT

THE MONTHLY MOAN
Anna Cacia-Court hits out at the park-and-commute workers clogging our residential streets with their cars. READ MORE

AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
His ex-boss has been nicked by the Yanks, and now the former Iraqi Dis-Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf seems to be working for the council. Shocker! GO TO MO!

WEATHER FORECAST
Find out what the elements have in store for Keynsham in January. VIEW WEATHER

WHO ARE YA?
Cane Shum Crown Court is once again in session and the, ahem, burning issue this month is simply: Who the hell had the balls to try and burn the Town Hall down? Either a stroke of genius or reckless folly depending on your stance. Maybe it was just an act of God? After all, even the Almighty One Himself must find that roof design slightly risible. Come on! Own up!