Following last month's stop press letter
, Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum
has received another coded warning from the local lunatic front demanding autonomy for the Wellsway area of Keynsham. The letter, penned by WLF Co-ordinator & Dinner Party Organisor Tarquin Llewellyn-Bowen, outlines a series of demands that are to be met if the town is to avoid further attacks. In order to maintain our journalistic integrity, we've decided to print the message in full. Please don't hurt us.
"Well, we did warn you. Autonomy for Wellsway we asked & none has been forthcoming. So far our warnings have gone unheeded. Nobody paid any attention when we removed that hideous dragon from outside the library, nobody paid any attention after our 'wiring mishap' in the town hall... well that's it. No more warnings!!
For years we've demanded a separate identity and now, after foisting some of Keynsham's lower end dross upon our glorious suburb (a Smiles newsagents and a Chinese takeaway I ask you) another stand will have to be made. Whatever next? Federated children going out on dates with Wellsway / Chandag children??? Just think of the lowering of Wellsway standards. Mixed relationships cannot be allowed! Chalk doesn't go with cheese. It'd be as if you were to compare a fine bottle of Beaujolais with a pint of that common cider that is available in one of those terrible down market public houses!!! No, no, and, I say thrice, no!!!
Residents of Keynsham you have been warned - Autonomy for Wellsway is our main demand. Keep your eyes on your local amenities - you may soon lose another one. Anyway, must go now as I need to feed my daughter's pony before Mumsie calls around in her Range Rover. We're off to the theatre tonight. Chin Chin, T L-B."
Local police are said to be treating the warning "in a fairly serious manner", whilst council leaders are believed to be considering the town's security options. One as-yet-confirmed idea is said to involve increasing the number of CCTV cameras in the town by 50%, a move which ironically, could see Keynsham featured in Channel 4's Big Brother-style reality TV program 'Talk Of The Town', where local surveillance cameras are used to spy on the public for a seven-week period in the name of entertainment. Stay tuned for more on this worrying development.