Issue 7 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham May 2004

'Come to Keynsham, please. Oh go on....'

Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum is published on a random basis by a bunch of Nu-Metal loving, rabble-rousing oiks who live in the Thermometer Zoo near the Silver Mountain. When we're not too busy trying to break the scooter land speed record we like to compile this satirical whinge-a-thon for the people of our beloved town, and for the other people too for that matter. As much as we'd love to claim the idea was our own, we can't. Please investigate where we got our inspiration from, the Bristol humour bastion called That Be Bristle. Thank-you. Now go to your room.


This months history session comes in the shape of the views of one Cuthbert Cuthbertson, who, ill-advisedly, recently moved to Keynsham. Here is his unique insight into Keynsham life, seen through the eyes of a 'foreigner'. The mic is all yours Cuthbert.

"Wahey!! So I've just recently moved into the bewildering borough of the Keynshamborough, plunged from the urban central of Bedminster (or Inbredminster, depending on your awareness of facial similies). Since moving here a few weeks ago, it has come to my newcomer's eyes, and ears attention that there are a few things that are going to take a bit of time to get used to...

Firstly, though not of a great audible surprise due to my mum being an avid sowing machine user in my youth, the gaggles of kids burbling up the road on their motoristed hairdriers... Why? You can almost see the strain in their little eyes as they will the whiney machines to go that 1/2mph faster to reach double figures - will someone tell them that if they put their arms out at top speed and wobble a bit they'll be able to take off and impress all of their scally mates, in the vain hope that they'll just fall off?!

There is a blessing though in the form of that cafe on Queens Road (next to the moped check point Charlie) - best fry-up I've had this side of Bognor, and you're always guaranteed to meet a little old lady called Ethel, or Doris, who gets stuck in the door on the way out for viewing humour.

I thought that it was quite funny the other day when my flatmates got thrown out of an aerobics class at Keynsham leisure centre for being too unco-ordinated, though not causing any harm to anyone, except maybe the people stood within arms swing of them. Yet randomly meandering old people on their motorised armchairs can quite happily knock pedestrians minding their own off pavements, and cause mayhem in temporarily closing lanes in Iceland when busting a turning manoeuvre, without getting any proper education in what's acceptable by the every day pedestrian going about their daily business.

I have a solution. Put in randomly placed booby-trapped paving slabs that operate when put under a certain amount of pressure, lets just say, the combined weight of a 9 stone person and a battery operated wheelchair for arguments sake. When this weight is exerted upon the slab, it unhinges a mechanism underneath that springs the slab up at a slight angle such that it projectiles the unsuspecting wheelbound citizen onto the top of the nearest building.

Rolls and water dispensers will be available for their stay up there until the roofs are emptied on a Monday morning by the local designated roof-emptying committee (creating more job opportunities to those in the area keen on gaining skills with working with the elderly. Experience in working at heights is also a great asset on your CV, so I've been told.). This will create a temporary measure in clearing the pavements of heavy vehicles. Attention will have to be given to mothers with exceptionally heavy babies, or those with a newly-bought plethora of chickens.

Apart from that, I kinda like the area - nice park, uuhhh... and so, yeah, in a bit!"
Cuthbert Cuthbertson

In his debut report as Citizen Cane, Eli McChurch tackles the subject of Keynsham's hygenically-challenged 'leisure' facilities. GET CANED!

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Anna Cacia-Court kicks Council butt and unveils some shocking exclusive news about St John's car park. READ MORE

The BANES Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf takes a break, leaving Bill Bailey to carry out his duties. Heaven help us! MORE

The Cane Shum web cam is at the railway station as part of the Search for Intelligent Rail Travel (SIRT). VIEW IT

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At the heart of Keynsham
There lies a park
Green and lush
It has stamped its mark
Playgrounds and river
Flowers and trees
Peace and tranquillity
Birds and bees.

If you donít look too close
You may even miss
Dogs muck condoms
And a river full of piss
Then look across
Our town beauty spot
At the worlds biggest road
Built over the lot.

Willow Walker
Keynsham Bard