Issue 7 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk May 2004
A LOAD OF BATH TURDS

Where there's muck there's shite The muck stops here
There was yet another outbreak of uproar among Keynsham residents this week as it emerged that the town is going to be besieged with excrement from our Roman-loving neighbours in Bath. Anna Cacia-Court brings you this exclusive 'Poop Scoop'.

Cyclists on the Bath to Bristol cycle track have noticed some curious goings on. Dumpers, trucks and diggers have taken up residence there. So too have workmen on a daily basis at 4.30am, together with some large sections of conduit. It would appear that some rather extensive pipe work is being laid underneath the path’s surface. On further investigation, Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum has uncovered the intentions behind BANES’s latest tarmac trashing activities. Thanks to a bunch of loose-mouthed Welsh contractors, we have all the information we need to spill the beans on this latest Council non-initiative.

'We've already paid for your weir to be fixed you cheapskates - now you want us to sort your shit out too...'
  BANES gather poo for us
Armed with 20 Bensons and a bacon butty, we managed to tempt the truth out of an un-named worker. According to our informant, the contractors are currently laying a one-way sewage pipe from Bath to Keynsham Sewage Treatment Works in Broadmead Lane. Here they will process the mucky filth and clean it with a variety of harmful and toxic chemicals, before finally sending it into on it's way to Weston-super-Mare via the nearby River Avon.

Inevitably, these actions will begin destroying fish and plant life, at which point Keynsham will be able to advertise it's exclusive rat-infested quagmire, maybe even have its very own ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’ programme. The stench of rodent is already overpowering.

All of which raises the usual barrage of concerned questions, along the lines of: "What on Earth do the people of Bath think they are doing sending their shit to us?", as well as: "Why weren’t we consulted?" and: "Is our council tax really paying for this?!" Undoubtebly there will be some smart arse answers coming along soon from the general direction of the Council building.

Is it really neccessary to have our own faeces-based, Sellafield-style, shit recycling plant on our doorsteps? Give it a year or two and they'll be bringing it in by trains, planes and tanker-loads too. It could be suggested that the poulation of Bath are taking the piss but unfortunately they’re giving it freely along with their poo. Anna Cacia-Court


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