Issue 7 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk May 2004
NOAH ENTRY TO TRAFFIC

'Nice weather for ducks - nice street for 'em too' - click to enlarge
Temple St: Venice-style (click to enlarge)  
In a radical move to increase the number of punters in Keynsham Town Centre, the local Council have unveiled ambitious plans to give the main drag a Venice-style makeover. Albert Mills donned his wellies and went along to find out more.

In light of the fact that recent proposals to pedestrianise Keynsham High Street were laughed out of town by the Highways Planning Department on the grounds of Gross Incompetence, a Town Council Think Tank has been working around the clock to conjure up a feasable alternative. The latest scheme will see the permanent flooding of both the High Street and Temple Street to a depth of over one metre, in order to allow boat traffic to flourish once again.

Council spokesperson Abigail Parque explained: "When the original plans were thrown out, we decided to think laterally, so we got a copy of Charlie Dimmock's 3D Water Garden Designer from Argos and set to work on a totally unique concept. By replacing motor cars with a fleet of punts, barges and ferries, we feel the town's commercial potential will be fully realised, not to mention the boost to tourism and recreation in the area. Quite simply, traffic will flow better."

Punter perfects a 15-point turn in Rock Road
Venice: Very wet
Ms Parque continued: "The scheme will greatly reduce traffic congestion and emissions, while making best use of the region's unusually wet climate. Additionally, the duck population in the park will welcome the news, as will anglers, surfers and fish. The litter problem will also be partially solved and we also feel that this will serve as a fitting reminder of the difficulties Keynsham faced during the Great Flood™ of 1968."

If the design is accepted the town could well see the first High Street swans by June 2005, with boat services in place as early as December 2004, weather permitting. A date for a public debate is set to be announced soon, likely to be held at the Lock Keeper, where opposition groups will most certainly voice their concern. The leading insurance companies were unavailable for comment.

Keynsham is historically famous for both it's calming-scheme-inspired traffic chaos and the divisions between the 'for' and 'against' pedestrianisation groups that lurk in the back rooms of pubs and clubs with their AGMs and skittles evenings. Albert Mills


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