The EU report, compiled in spring 2002, says: "It has been found that Keynsham has a public house too many. The EU regulations clearly show the total number of taverns in the square area which Keynsham occupies should be one less than it is now. Removal action will commence after lunch."
Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum
contacted the EU, with a spokesman, Jean-Luc Lapin, telling us: "'Zis is correct. Your petit 'amlet 'as one too many of your so-called 'boozers'. We will be taking steps to remove one 'ostelry later 'zis year, bringing your Keynsham place within the EU acceptable limit."
After grabbing our deerstalkers and eyeglasses, we have discovered the method that will be used to determine which pub will be bulldozed. During the month of July 2004, a group of 12 EU representatives will visit Keynsham and frequent each of our local watering holes. As they eat and drink themselves silly, they will compile a detailed report to see which establishment comes out top in each of nine different categories, as detailed below.
A pub fight, yesterday.
1. Overall Look
(Outside & inside)
2. Nightly Entertainment
(If any. Fights not included)
(In short, does it smell of piss?)
(Europeans like it warm, see)
5. Environmental Impact
(Is it smashed up on a regular basis?)
(The kind of customers that frequent the pub)
7. Internal Navigation
("Where’s the loo!?" and that kinda thing)
8. Serving Equipment
(Pumps, bar maids, glasses etc)
(How nice is the pub sign, is it kept 'lovely'?)
Then a YTS worker at the EU will punch all the information into a ZX Spectrum computer for 'analysis', finally revealing which drinkery will meet it's maker. So be warned all you Keynsham landlords out there - make this summer a cracker or it may be your last! Bottoms up!