Issue 7 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk May 2004
KEYNSHAM NEWS IN BRIEF - MAY 2004
JESUS SAVES!
'Disciples! I implore you to see in-store for full details of our seasonal offers' KEYNSHAM CHURCH is set to reward it's regular visitors by introducing a new loyalty card, similar to the recently-launched scheme at Somerfield. The St John's 'Saviour Card' will be available to church-goers from May 16th onwards, with promises of Sing-One-Get-One-Free hymns and reduced-price Holy Water™. Boots the Chemist also look poised to launch their own 'Shaver Card' bonus scheme.

ROW, ROW YER PUB
PLANS TO turn Keynsham's Lock Keeper into the town's first floating pub look set to be given the green light this week. The scheme will create 150 local jobs. Three new bar staff are required in addition to 146 oarsmen and a cox.

THE TOP 10
TEN RECENTLY-vacated shops currently standing empty in Keynsham.

[1] Edward Joll
[2] GasLec
[3] Temple Stores
[4] Station Road Video Shop
[5] The Oriental Shop
[6] This & That
[7] Hill House Hammond
[8] Lloyds Bank
[9] Shoe Fayre (soon)
[10] The Entire Market

OAPs ON SPEED
HOT ON the spoilers of the local TWATTS, Keynsham's cart-driving pensioners have announced their intention to hold their own 'Granny Prix' in August, with qualifiers taking place in July. "With the growing number of 'Sliver-Scoots' in town, it seemed the thing to do," said Gerry Pacer, the organiser of the forthcoming event. Gerry has asked us if we could put the word out to potential sponsors - he's looking for a mobile generator for pit stop charge-ups and for someone to do tea and biscuits at half time.

PRAISE THE DARKNESS
THE RECENT reduction in the area's crime figures is a direct result of the town's participation in the European Dark Spot trial, according to senior EU officials speaking at their annual Boasting Conference in Brussells. The scheme will be made permanent from spring 2005 onwards as a result.

SMALL PEOPLE WILL...
'Who'll live in this tiny house?' by Hugo Berger, I'll go fries CIVIC LEADERS have come under fire this week after declaring a property in Station Road to be "only fit for midgets". Representatives from two local groups, The Avon Dwarf Society and The Keyna Elves, have slammed the comments which appeared in the 'new' Keynsham & Saltford Observer. One leader said: "In short, we're not impressed with their choice of words."

DRINK UP THEE RIVER
COMPTON DANDO is to host the 2004 National River Drinking Championships, where reigning champion Edgar Munter hopes to retain his UK title. He won last years event after drinking the entire River Chew for 3 minutes without spilling a drop, from a specially constructed duct. Organisers are expecting a large turnout. Contact s.grunt@comptondando.com for official entry forms.

PICTURE THIS
Now showing: Battle Star Galactica and Convoy PLANS TO convert Keynsham's former Charlton cinema into a Youth Centre have been thrown out after it was revealed the two Wellsway sixth formers behind the scheme don't actually live in the town. The pupils had planned to raise the money by fleecing the sum of 67 from every man, woman and dog, in breach if the 1932 Extortion Act. A Keynsham councillor commented: "Piss off, but good luck to them. There aren't any millionaires around these parts."

FREE FOR ALL?
THINGS ARE looking good for the welcome return of 'Free Parking' in Keynsham following a decision to abolish parking charges in nearby Kingswood. Contact BANES for further information. Telephone 01225 477134 for the latest details on when Keynsham's car parks will return to being free for two hours.

REMEMBERING ADGE
IT WAS thirty years ago (on May 4th) that Chief Wurzel Adge Cutler passed away. Here's remembering you Mr Cutler - still drinking that zider in the sky. Aaaar!

PAY TO PLAY
FOLLOWING THE looming prospect of predestination in the High Street this summer, we have received some mail from concerned motorists. They have voiced worries that they will have to pay 25p to park instead of their normal drive up and down the High Street until they can find an empty space and park for free. Well we say "stop being so tight and cough up the cash, t0$$ers!"

CLASSIFIED ADS
FOR SALE: Old cinema. Needs painting & moderate redecoration. Buyer collects. Would make ideal Youth Centre. 400,000 ovno.

WANTED: Boats. All types considered. Must be in good condition. Cash pending. Contact 01225 477681.

FOR SALE: Road tax discs, all colours and dates available. Now with light-fast ink. A must for all road users. Contact Brian at the Post Office, Keynsham.

I'M BEGINNING to think there's no escape. Britney has the marmite but Zephlan 2 is out of reach now. Somehow we've got to let the Seniors know. Call me if you fancy pizza. BOX M16.

THREADBARE BRIEFS...
PAST BRIEF news reports in varying states of decay can be found HERE.

WEATHER FORECAST
The weather forecast for May, with our in-house, atmosphere-questioning ether beaver Albert Mills. VIEW THE WEATHER

MERCHANDISE
Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts! FULL T-SHIRT DETAILS

KEYNSHAM WEB CAM 7
The Cane Shum web cam is at the railway station as part of the Search for Intelligent Rail Travel (SIRT). VIEW IT

AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
The BANES Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf takes a break, leaving Bill Bailey to carry out his duties. Heaven help us! MORE

WHO ARE YA?
Be fearful all ye doers of wrong! Cane Shum Crown Court once again extends the long arm of justice in your direction. So, step forward into the dock if you will, the person responsible for over-seeing the Groundhog Roadworks at the bottom of St Ladoc Road. What the feck do they pay you for? To scratch your arse with a Bic pen whilst shredding some important paperwork by mistake? Tell someone to do the job properly so we don't have to spend our evenings stuck in the resultant traffic queues. And while you're at it, mention Charlton Road too.