Issue 8 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk June 2004
The Bottom Line - with Charlton Bottom

'Cor Britney, is this what you meant when you said you wanted to get a more dirrrrty image like Christina?'    'Shut yer face Bryan and get me a ciggie'
Keynsham Music Festival 2004:  
All set for another sewage leak  
Charlton Bottom - click for biography CHARLTON BOTTOM has suddenly had the size of his Bottom Line increased by 300%. Unfazed by this occurence, he's here to bring you the latest town gossip and opinions, gleaned by trawling the boozers. He's our very own In-Zider! So it's over to our roving reporter, who has some very interesting news about the Keynsham Music Festival.

On a recent session at a local hostelry, I was lucky enough to get chatting to a great bloke, Mr John P. Taker, who, after a few pints of Zider™, told me he was the man in charge of booking the line up for this years fantastic Keynsham Music Festival. I thought ďbingoĒ - a scoop for the wonderful readers of Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum. So he bought me another pint and all was revealed. The news that is, not his nob.

Judging by what he told me, you'll have no need to source dodgy tickets on the Internet for Glastonbury, or go see that crap New Seekers tribute band at the Fear Institute. Mr Taker has booked international superstars to delight our ears and get our toes tapping at this years piss-up in the park. The boat's been pushed out, no stops are remaining, and with caution chucked in the general direction of the wind, we can exclusively reveal how the days entertainment is looking for 2004's 'Boogie Under The Bridge In A Keynsham Stylee', which is set to happen on Sunday July 11th.

OLD AND YOUNG ALIKE
WHAT THE hell is happening on the roads of this wonderful town of Keynsham? In my very busy days working as a professional lay about, I drive around town and all I see is very old people driving cars. They can barely see over the wheel and drive at a constant 20 mph. On a good day they indicate before stopping in the middle of the High Street. On a bad day they just stop! Then 14 wrinklies 'leap' out (not), after which the driver has a 5 minute chat about "what time to pick them all up again", then proceeds to pull out (no indication!) and off down the road at that mind blowing top speed again. And at the other end of the scale are scooter twats, riding everywhere at full speed (35mph!) like they're in some kind of race, carelessly weaving though traffic. See them revving their puny little engines whilst doing their best to impress the young ladies, which obviously won't work 'cos they're twats! So, chuck the old gits off the road and donít let the kids buy them scooters. Contact George Downing on 01225 477688 to report these crap drivers.
Afternoon Line-Up
Robbie Williams (Heís gunna entertain you, apparently)
Britney Spears (Next to nekkid, oh yes!)
Oasis (Bring your boxing gloves)
Fat Boy Slim (Complete with beach and public safety issues)

Evening Set
The Darkness (In full spangly Lycra™)
Busted (Three kids and some crap tunes)
Atomic Kitten (The Nuclear Pussies are reforming especially for us)
Madonna (Please keep off the grass, itís hers!)

And to end this wonderful line up, the one and only
best band in the f**king world

The Wurzels (Minus Adge Cutler, but with extra Zider™)


Well as you can see, thatís quite a line up and the cost will only put your council tax up by £199 next year to cover it, bargain! Expect to see new-age travellers and general riff-raff congregating in and around Keynsham within days. An estimated 500,000 music lovers are expected to attend the event, dubbed 'Little Glastonbury'.

The morning after, I rang John to confirm a few things we had talked about regarding the festival, but was told he was not available and had been returned to Barrow, having only been let out for the night as he'd been behaving himself lately. So there it a slight possibility that most of the above information is crap!
Charlton Bottom   charlton.bottom@caneshum.co.uk


• Read More Bottom Line   
• Bloke About Town    • Citizen Cane    • Monthly Moan    • The Miller's Tale   

THE MILLER'S TALE
NEW! Albert Mills gets his own column, in which he's throwing his weight behind the plans for the old cinema, among other things. READ ALBERT

BLOKE ABOUT TOWN
NEW! Freshly-recruited from the mean streets of Keynsham, William Bloke offers up a serving of vitriol after getting a tattoo done in town. MORE

THE MONTHLY MOAN
Anna has a pop at Bush & Blair while revealing the secret way to spend a penny in the town's bogs without catching a dose of typhoid. READ MORE

IMAGE ARCHIVE
NEW! Can't read? Only look at the pictures? Then we've got the perfect page for you, in the form of our handy image archive. VIEW IMAGES

CITIZEN CANE
Having already taken Keynsham's leisure facilities to task, Eli McChurch turns his attention to Seasonally Affective Disorder. READ IT

MAILING LIST
Get yourself notified whenever we publish - join our no-spam, no-hassle MAILING LIST.

MERCHANDISE
Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-SHIRTS!

AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
The BANES Dis-Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf returns with bizarre claims that Keynsham's traffic is 'flowing perfectly'. GET MO!

KEYNSHAM WEB CAM 8
The Cane Shum webcam has been stolen, but it's still transmitting footage!! Where will it end up? VIEW IT