Issue 8 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk June 2004
KEYNSHAM NEWS IN BRIEF - JUNE 2004
NO STANDING ON TOP
'Would the fat bastard upstairs kindly move to the left hand side of the bus as we are experiencing gravity issues...' (Image copyright 2004 Bristol United Press. Reproduced illegally here. Sorry.) THE FIRST annual Keynsham Bus Stunt Derby was such a success with the public that organisers are set to announce details of next years show within weeks. The highlight of the Charlton Road-hosted event - the rarely seen Ambulance Prop - attracted over 200 spellbound spectators. One excited viewer told us: "It were gert maccy! It were almost as if it were 'appening unscripted. That's 'ow good the drivers were. Just like that movie Speed it were. F*cking ace! No Keanu Reeves though."

K-E-Y-N-S-H-A-M
ONLY ONE Keynsham resident in seven can actually spell the name of their town correctly, according to literature mag 'Pen & Ink'.

THE TOP 10
TEN RIDICULOUS search phrases that led to this site.

[1] Congested Cough
[2] World Will End In 2004
[3] Effects Of Electrocution
[4] Frankie Says T-Shirts
[5] Vivienne Westwood
     Stockists
[6] Cane Balls
[7] Corston Motor Co
[8] Support For Kleptomania
     In The UK
[9] 1970's Clock
[10] Driver Concorde
       Mini Eye Cam

ROUNDABOUT U-TURN?
PLANS TO introduce a roundabout at the junction of Ashton Way and Charlton Road have been called into question by leading conservation experts after it was revealed the site is home to an endangered species. Environmental campaigner Silas Allis told us: "This should not be allowed as the area is home to the Lesser-Spotted Road Surface. With numbers on the wane, it would be a scandal to lose this valuable eco-system." A full EA study is pending.

STONE ME!
POLICE ARE appealing for witnesses to come forward following a rare crime incident near the town. Burglars broke into the River Chew at Compton Dando and stole gravel to the value of 978, before escaping in a stolen invalid cart. A police spokesman confirmed: "We are leaving no stone unturned in our quest for answers. We hope to get to the bottom of this soon."

A FULL NELSON
KEYNSHAM FOLK were living in fear this week as it emerged that local wrestling crew EPW are on the look out for venues to film their grapple movies. EPW mainman Ken Flatt said: "I am hoping and even praying that our beloved town of Keynsham has an alotment, or even a huge sealed-off field somewhere. Or maybe the Council can build us a huge areana (one can dream eh)." Contact him via the EPW site if you can help.

THAT AIN'T WORKING
A WORKERS' Anonymous session is being held at the Fear Institute next Weds (9th), where victims can receive free advice and support. Spokeswoman Regina Grundy commented: "It's time we recognised employment as a legitimate disease. Thousands suffer every day. With help, these people can go back to leading normal, everyday lives."

NOT SO NUTS THEN
Nuts? William Rushton would never approve... CHOCOLATE BOSSES at Cadbury's in 'Somerdale' have defended their recent decision to add nuts to their famous Double Decker sweet bars. The confectionery magnates were fending off accusations from consumer rights groups that the new bar amounted to nothing less than "a Snickers in Cadbury's clothing." One leading expert asked: "Why can't they put the raisins back in. At least bring back the classic foil wrapper of the early 1980's." A Cadbury spokesman hit back: "That's what Picnic's are for."

IT'S NO JOKE
PANIC GRIPPED the offices of Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum last week when the website's famous joke book went missing. In a Bob Monkhouse-style situation, the dog-eared single page of A4 was later discovered in the photocopier by the office cleaners.

CINEMA WATCH - PT 2
Now showing: The Maltese Falcon and Pigeon Shit NO ACTION as yet down there on the junction of Charlton and Culvers, but at least a dozen pigeons were seen leaving the roof, possibly in readiness for the Mezzanine Bar and Cool-U-Like air condition units. Some of the weeds growing near the front doors are keeling over, possibly a result of the test-firing of the hi-tech dance-floor lazers. Exciting stuff. Read more about the cinema by clicking here.

CLASSIFIED ADS
FOR SALE: For sale. Mars Lander Craft, unused as new, c/w Blur CD and airbags. Call Colin 01234 567 8910. N/C

WANTED: Stunt drivers. Must be able to work shifts. Uniform provided. Contact FirstGroup, The Depot, Bristol.

FOR SALE: Ultra-violet light rays. Some harmful, but mostly in good cond. Would suit pasty person. See E. Joll, High Street.

I'VE GOT enough power left to send one last signal. If that fails we'll have to swim for it. I hope we can make it this time. No anchovies on mine, ta. BOX M16.

CRUSTY BRIEFS...
DECAYING BRIEF news reports from times gone by can be found HERE.

THE MILLER'S TALE
NEW! Albert Mills gets his own column, in which he's throwing his weight behind the plans for the old cinema, among other things. READ ALBERT

THE BOTTOM LINE
BIG! The Bottom Line has just got bigger! This month, get the low down on the Keynsham Music Festival, dubbed 'Little Glastonbury'! READ MORE

THE MONTHLY MOAN
Anna has a pop at Bush & Blair while revealing the secret way to spend a penny in the town's bogs without catching a dose of typhoid. READ MORE

MERCHANDISE
Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-SHIRTS!

KEYNSHAM WEB CAM 8
The Cane Shum webcam has been stolen, but it's still transmitting footage!! Where will it end up? VIEW IT

AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
The BANES Dis-Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf returns with bizarre claims that Keynsham's traffic is 'flowing perfectly'. GET MO!

WHO ARE YA?
The 'Who Are Ya?' column
can now be found HERE.