Issue 8 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk June 2004
YOUR LETTERS TO CANE SHUM - JUNE 2004
LETTER OF THE MONTH
'Ate more chocolate, now I need a size XXXXXXXL'
 Coming soon?
Feck me! What blisteringly beautiful designs!! Tho it has to be said that, if push comes to shove, (and it generally does in these parts 'specially up the Talbot) the choice surely has to be EAT MORE CHOCOLATE.

As, even tho Cadbury's have tried their downrite 'ardest to make the local population blow-up to the size of small zeppelins (see sports offer on prev. packs) it bliming clearly aint working, this most certainly being due to the explosion of Gym-b-lites You must 'ave seen 'um...'specially up by St.johns school (the only school to run police &beauty checks on all prospective parents) Never seen so much flippin lycra and the gyms just keep gettin bigger or thats what Aquaterra leisure keep threatnin!

SO, anything to keep up the quest for anti-fit cane.shum 's definutlee a goer wiv me Make mine an order for 80 and i'll write it into the new membership contract for the gym at the old leis. that they'll all be expected to wear one or be escorted off the premises by the jobsworths posing as lifeguards. Cheers me babber.

• Your T-shirt testimonial has won you a non-chocolate-based free T-shirt. Better email us yer address though!

THE BANES FAN WRITES...
Why r u always getting on at BANES? They do a lot of good things too. The other day I told 'em the water was low in the boating pond. Within 2 days they had fixed it. So stop being negative and be a bit kinder, 'cos you never know who you're gonna meet. J. Keynsham.

• Well blow me down, BANES are out to save the World. Who would've noticed? Now get a job, loser!

LOOK WHAT YOU COULD'VE WON
Hooray! The Venice-makeover ideal is a winner mate. I was on that Bullseye a few years ago and I went and won the bloody speed boat! It's been stuck in me front garden in Balmoral Rd ever since. Can't wait to sail the streets. Cpt. Japseye.

• Well that's a weight off our minds. Thanks.

DA BIGGER PICTURE
I would just like to say, dat I fink the idea put 4ward by Amelia Wells and Colin Squires to turn dat nasty old bingo hall into a cinema/cafe is really gud, and we should all support em! Bring on Rocky Horror themed nights! Wayhey! Debbie, At home.

• Ignore our piss-taking, we are behind this plan too. Good luck. Really.
Read this for our views.

CHEERS DAVE!
Nice one me old babber! See you in the legion Friday mate! Martin

• Cut it out at once!

FOUR FECK'S SAKE
Is it me, or do ALL four wheel drive, off road, jeep-driving twats think they own the road? Well thatís the impression they give to me. Anyone else feel the same? They never give way and they look at me like Iím some kinda lowlife, just because I drive a Skoda.
Benjamin Loelyfe

• Bang on mate! Bring on the amnesty and rid the roads of these ram-raiding rascals. Rah Rah!

CLOCK THIS
Architecturally, our clock tower is undeniably more aesthetically pleasing than Big Ben. Muhammed Saeed Al-Sahaf

• Cheers for that Mo! Haven't you got a BANES press release to prepare?

MORNING ASSEMBLY
Anna, glad to see you are still keeping your finger on the pulse to see what is going on at St. John's Court although I do not believe a supermarket will improve Keynsham. Love the website, particularly the simulation of traffic flow which will be on my school's doorstep... Perhaps this is a cunning plan to get rid of Temple by other means! PS Where's my free t-shirt!! Adrienne Hughes, Round & About

• The recent 'Sasser' virus meant that we forgot to deliver your T-Shirt. It should be with you by now!

FOR A FORUM?
How do to all the residents of Keynsham, I was thinkin' how 'bout a forum page on here where we could make are feelings known about our famous former market town? RESPECT. Adam Nicholls (I'm famous you know - I was in the Observer other week), at me home.

• Famous? In the Observer?! Well, do you want a forum folks? Let us know...

NOT BROADLANDS
Any chance of a WLF t-shirt being printed? Don't want people thinking I'm from Broadlands!!! Joe, at work in Brizzle

• We believe the Wellsway Liberation Front are currently designing a range of propaganda merchandise.


Beware - Hyaenas are operating in this area
FEEL THE NEED TO VENT THAT SPLEEN??
Had a bad day and want to tell the World about it? Married Britney Spears in a Gretna Green shotgun wedding? Seen a Bird Of Paradise in the High Street? Scored a 147 playing pocket snooker? Well you better get yourself over to our CONTACT page and spill the beans.


THE BOTTOM LINE
BIG! The Bottom Line has just got bigger! This month, get the low down on the Keynsham Music Festival, dubbed 'Little Glastonbury'! READ MORE

THE MILLER'S TALE
NEW! Albert Mills gets his own column, in which he's throwing his weight behind the plans for the old cinema, among other things. READ ALBERT

BLOKE ABOUT TOWN
NEW! Freshly-recruited from the mean streets of Keynsham, William Bloke offers up a serving of vitriol after getting a tattoo done in town. MORE

CITIZEN CANE
Having already taken Keynsham's leisure facilities to task, Eli McChurch turns his attention to Seasonally Affective Disorder. READ IT

MERCHANDISE
Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-SHIRTS!

MAILING LIST
Get yourself notified whenever we publish - join our no-spam, no-hassle MAILING LIST.

KEYNSHAM WEB CAM 8
The Cane Shum webcam has been stolen, but it's still transmitting footage!! Where will it end up? VIEW IT

THE MONTHLY MOAN
Anna has a pop at Bush & Blair while revealing the secret way to spend a penny in the town's bogs without catching a dose of typhoid. READ MORE

AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
The BANES Dis-Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf returns with bizarre claims that Keynsham's traffic is 'flowing perfectly'. GET MO!

KEYNSHAM IS ACE!
We love Keynsham! If you need reminding, CLICK HERE