Issue 9 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham www.caneshum.co.uk July 2004
YOUR LETTERS TO CANE SHUM - JULY 2004
LETTER OF THE MONTH
The signs all point to trouble
The signs all point to trouble
Beware Caneshumites, we of the Queen Charlton Independence Army are wreaking our plan of division and confusion.

In the past few weeks we have: bombed the Charlton Road, making it almost impassable; sabotaged the bridge at Chewton Keynsham, cutting off access on that front; installed an electronic barrier at the border between the City of QC and the hamlet of Cane Shum; released a horde of genetically modified giant moles to guard the border; sabotaged a bus that was trying to get up the Charlton Road; dealt with any Caneshumites who dared to besmirch our Royal borders. I bet you thought that was a PIG we roasted at the Fete, eh?

We will not rest until all your crappy shops are dust and our sheep can graze down to the shores of the Avon! Bwa-ha-ha-ha! Lt Cdr Totter-Brandy, QCIA, the Royal City of Queen Charlton.

• Lord help us! Cane Shum is bordered by radical activist groups. What next - the Peoples' Front Of Corston? We're running so scared that we've made this letter of the month.

HELP THE AGED...
In these times of hardship, innit nice that they council people of the power is gonna build us some new 'ouses where they nasty kids keep playing football. Me and the girls is looking forward to livin' in our own village, 'specially if they puts in one of they theme parks too. It's what us olderly folks needs. God bless. Ada, Keynsham.

• Thanks for your thoughts Ada, senile though they are.

NUTTER ALERT!
I just drove through Keynsham over the bridge opposite the train station and was witness to a crazy guy prancing about a couple of inches away from death (or mild mutilation at least). The guy had climbed over the barrier and was rather unsteadily shouting at the police surrounding him. Don't know what happened next but when I got out of town, at Hick's Gate roundabout there were more cops stopping cars going down the bypass. Albert Tabernacle, Saltford.

• That was the BANES Health & Safety officer testing police response times. What a guy!

PARTY IN THE PARK
Missed Sir Paul at Glastonbury but Ringo's drum workshop and sing-a-long at the Clock Tower Stage on Sunday more than made up for this - and we didn't get muddy. St Francis, West Side.

• Yes, a good time was had by all. Note to bloke with beard, specs and Cane Shum T-shirt - Mills and Bottom were right beside you at one point. Heh! Heh!

THE WAR ON TIME
Now the Keynsham clock tower has bin returned me and my mates were thinkin' that its a shame that it wasn't like lost 4 ever. Wat 'bout pulling down like they did wit' the Berlin wall and Saddam's statue like. Then we could sell the bits of concrete and lumps of metal like as souviners ta 'ang around yer neck and old ladies like put on their mantle piece, right. Sharron, outskirts of Cane Shum.

• We couldn't agree more. Our E-Bay account is ready!

OFFICIALLY YOURS
I'm one of the students who wants to see the flea pit a place of shiny goodness. Your article enspired me, and since you seem interested in the project, I was wondering if you would try and persuade the Cane Shum team to give us their official support. Then we can stick links everywhere and get people involved. Colin Squires and Amelia Wells.

• You have been officially endorsed by the Cane Shum team. We're right behind you folks. Our support is yours.


Now there's a sight you see every day
GOT SOMETHING TO SAY??
Smuggled yourself into the Big Brother house disguised as a brain-dead eejit? Made a space landing craft out of Play Doh! Lost a fiver and found a tenner? Had a close encounter of the scooter kind? It's time to tell the World - visit the CONTACT page and sing like a canary!


THE BOTTOM LINE
Charlton avoids a Euro 2004-related heart attack by taking a stroll in the local countryside and reminiscing about the hazy days of yore. READ MORE

THE MILLER'S TALE
Albert Mills conducts a Euro 2004 footie post mortem, revealing the English to be the Champions of Excuses. MORE

THE MONTHLY MOAN
Anna's Music Festival-induced bliss is cruelly shattered by plans to build an 'Elderly Village' on Sherwood Road 'Rec' playing field. MORE

BLOKE ABOUT TOWN
William Bloke serves up his thoughts about parents who insist on driving their children to and from school. MORE

CITIZEN CANE
Eli McChurch ruminates on why the flags should keep flying and reveals a strange-but-true story about one of the town's oldest ex-shops. READ IT

MERCHANDISE
Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
Our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-Shirts are on sale now! FULL T-SHIRT DETAILS

KEYNSHAM WEB CAM 9
Our latest camera is looking out for fish in the park. VIEW IT

AL-SAHAF IN KEYNSHAM
BANES' press spokesman Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf steps forward with his boldest claim yet - that we are, in fact, alone! GET A LOAD OF MO!